There are days where I really question what the fuck I was thinking.Then there are days where I look at what I have accomplished and say I “WOW…”
Days blend and mold into weeks where I doubt everything I am trying to do,
No matter what there are those moments everyday where I know I could walk away from everything and still hold my own.
Young Fool, Old Crone.
Its a funny thing.
I went to college for Art. Its what saved me from the darkest depression and the bleakest times a human can face. I didnt care the costs but I molded my mind into something unique… and blow shit up in kilns.
Now, at 26 this BFA holder has managed to land herself a job at a Fortune 15 company in a cubicle farm – without any formal business training or knowledge.
It was a good opportunity for me…once upon time.
Now in 2014, I hope to run from the negativity and stress to anew in a different field.
Again we come back to the age old problem….training costs money….Can I save up? How Long? How long must I stay at a dead end job I hate to afford the training? Everything mind that, how do I pay bills WHILE I get the training? If I can’t stay on the same pay-scale what do I do? 2 part time jobs?
I admit, I have fears about this transition I am in.
I fear I will fail
I fear that it won’t be enough
I fear I will cause homelessness for us
I fear being a bad wife and person if I take the risk
I feel guilt because I will be responsible if I fail and cause misery for my family
I feel vulnerable because I don’t want to disappoint my husband
I worry that any failure I have would make him consider leaving me
All of these are, unrealistic worries… but at the time….they were avalanches of anxiety screwing up my head.
Then I realized something….I used a ton of “I”s.
Negativity breeds anxiety and misery.
So what if put a positive spin on these ‘concerns’?
What if I DONT fail?
What if it is MORE than enough?
What if I can make a more confortable living?
What if I inspire others?
What if I AM responsible showing my friends and family its possible?
What if feeling vulnerable allows me to finally face and shed these negative feelings?
Doesn’t seem so bad does it?
Is it going to be easy? Nope.
Is it going to require sacrifices? Oh Yeah.
Will doubts happen? Naturally- I am human after all.
Is it okay to flip the fuck out when it all seems %^&$&^E%$WDVIGYV%%EW$Q D*PO* )L*J&GF#$%!@QAC$%V and shit? OFCOURSE!
I’ve come to realize that any plans I make…where I THINK the path should be going… is a complete waste of energy and braincells. The Divine, The Source, Buddha, God, Goddess whatever label Deity has in your head is the only ONE would really knows what the hell is going on in the world.
And the S.O.B doesn’t share the map very well.
So even though the New Year is upon us and I’m trying to plan out how I can best go about my 2014 transition (with the least number of clusterfucks mind you) I know there will be times I swear I need Xanax or drink my weight in liquor. Other times, I will be on cloud 11 with happiness and energy flowing out of me as if I was farting sweet smelling gas and rainbows….
And there will be Dark times…days ending in tears and explosive temper that only an Irish woman can claim.
But to quote Morphus…”whatever happens, happens for a reason and would not have happened any other way”. Accept destiny.
I wish destiny had a damn map!