The last 2 days have been a blur with work.
Last night I came home in tears and sobbed in Bill’s arms for an hour and a half.
All because I had messed up
Well no… not because I had messed up…I’m human and I screw up…
I was sobbing because my office is on a downward slide into the ground and try as we all might there is no way it can be made better before the whole place implodes.
We process data for a pharma company on customer accounts- many changes or request for changes to the coding in the databases we have to approve.
We need atleast 5 people and solid management.
Instead we have 3 full times, 1 contractor, and 2 newbies being trained.
And No supervisor… or manager.
Those people above…”they know of our troubles”, “they understand”…Bullshit
We are the backbone of this damn company
If we don’t do our jobs everything stands still.
It’s like Revolution…we stop working and the lights go off…..
I have worked in several corporations as a contactor
I have NEVER seen such a department in dire straits and upper levels ignoring it because they don’t want to get their hands dirty.
I can walk away from it. I can pack up my stuff this Friday and turn over my laptop and walk away without looking back. I could give 2 weeks notice and walk away if I wanted to be nice.
Then I think about Bill
Our wedding plans
Putting pressure on him to be the bread winner
Stressing our relationship
Putting him in a negative position
Feeling like I’m a bad wife if I walk form this job.
I can’t walk away
I have to stay
And it kills me
I have a choice to walk away
And I have a choice to stay
I have more than enough reasons to walk away
And just as many reasons to stay
I need to separate myself from the mindset that this job is my life- that my job is the status of who and what I am. That my worth is in my performance.
None of this is true.
If I can free myself from this mindset I will be happier and more whole.
This is a job….not my life…..
I get little email messages “from the universe” today’s was “To Live, to love and be happy, forevermore, SillyMindy, just decide to be from this moment forward.”
At first I took it as a sign that I should follow through with my plans to leave.
Now…it really is about choosing to be happy with life even when its in the shitter.
I can’t fix the problems with work… those are too big and not my responsibility. I can only do my job within my sanity level.
If that’s not enough, then its not enough.
This is just a job.
Its not the end of the world. (regardless how others act)