Inner demons

No, no post on possession here. More just a glimpse of who I am.

For the most part I am a normal human being like everyone else. We all have inner demons. We all want to improve ourselves whether it be mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Well, unless you are so full of it you believe yourself perfect…but those people wouldn’t be wasting time here.

Like most women I feel the intense pressure to look a certain way. Yes, I see nodding heads – we’ve all been at that place. We’ve all done some crazy shit trying to get there too.

LegoMan, my fiancé, was heavy when we started dating, however I was too but like some stereotype in my head I was okay with this, because he was taller and heavier than me. So we weren’t that awkward couple.

But health wise we cleaned up our eating and both began C25K training. LegoMan quickly dropped 60+ pounds in 10 months.
I lost a grand total of 15 pounds in 9 months. Which on the grand scale of things was a total let down.
Then LegoMan surpassed my weight by 10lbs. I was very happy for him because his health is so much better but it did a total number on my mentality.
Now we were that awkward couple where the woman is fatter.
And now I notice other women looking at him with that oh I could take him away so easily sneer.

Of course my man is so devoted to me he is completely oblivious to this. Goddess, knows how grateful I am for that!

But it doesn’t stop me from mentally wanting to slap some bitches.

I won’t lie, I am 100% jealous of them. Curvy little petite things that know they are being stared at and enjoying every minute of it.

I can name several moments when I did some stupid shit because of my inner demon…
In high school I lost my first boyfriend to my best friend. I went into a depression and to get back at him (and to punish myself for being so blind) I restricted calories to dangerous levels. I think I went from 250 to 220 in a period of months. I was just so mad and so hurt that I didn’t care at all.

But I healed and stopped, though the metabolism took a hell of a hit. College was better for the most part I gained weight back and more. Then had drama with ex roommate. Again a small depression and loss of appetite.

Eating and starving we’re my ways of coping with stress. Whenever something bad happened and my weight was a factor in it I would have the mentality of punishing my body. It was its fault that ____________ happened.

I was a very cruel mistress to myself back then.

Yet now that I am the heavier one in the relationship I’ve caught myself entering that mindset again. I blame situations in bed we may have to being my fault. I’ve caught myself thinking that he must be disgusted with my looks. (In a past abusive relationship this was true and often said)

When someone asked why our wedding date is so far in advance (oct 2014) it wasn’t really due to saving up money…..it was really so I have some time to desperately lose as much weight as possible so I wouldn’t be a fat bride. Ahhh, the tomboy does have some vanity…

However it was made apparent that running is not going to help me lose. Nor any crazy mentality or use of diet pills (yep….I know) or emotionally starving. I really have to workout….and I mean weight lifting. Which means I have to make a conscious effort to eat more!

It was finally explained to me in “new rules for lifting for women” book that to workout and not have enough calories puts too much stress on the body and it will shut down metabolism and harm other organs. It also went on to explain how cutting 500 cal a day will not equal a pound of weight loss. If it magically does – you are losing muscle as well as some fat.
Damn you MyFitnessPal!!!!

Geeee, now they explain it, Well I sure as hell don’t need to lose anymore muscle.

Now here comes the tricky part.

Muscle is denser than fat. Though they will weigh the same, in your body muscle will retain water as it is repairing itself (hence why it is said that muscle weighs more an fat- they are counting the stored water in there as well) so weighing myself on the scale will be a useless move.

In fact is will be a bad bad move psychologically on me. (Seeing me heavier than I am now would cause tears)

So once I begin a lifting routine I will have to stop weighing myself so much and beginning measuring and noting how clothes fit.
But, I am a total scale addict.

So here is another bad habit that I will have to break to succeed. It’s going to be a long road.

Just so you don’t think I am some whiney brat with a little weight to lose…. I am 5’11 / 285 lbs / with a BMI of 39.7

I am the trademark obese person. If there is such a thing as a “trademark obese”. Don’t be fooled that I am a lazy ass – I have ran 5ks and also done 5 miles on elliptical machines in one go without pause. So don’t ask me how obese fits into that activity but ehhh… That’s what number I was given.

Right now I would just love to hit the 270s again. I don’t know when or how that will happen with weightlifting but I got to have small goals so I don’t give up.

Wish me luck on this crazy new direction!

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