Darker Side to Weight Loss

It has been a while since I posted and I have gotten a few messages wondering what is up.

 Well there is good news and bad news.

 The Good-

The 19th was a night out with the gang to Dave and Busters. It was a great night, very late but as I expected I over-ate even with a 5 mile run that morning. Sunday (20th) was the big reception for the couple we knew and again, it was heavenly BBQ and a whole roasted pig. A full busy weekend of fun, family and food.

 Now that whole week after I was running like mad-

Monday: I had off and sent out job applications and caught a galpal for lunch and some shopping for LegoMan’s Birthday.
Tuesday: This was my Dad’s Birthday so I drove home and had dinner with him then drive back to Dallas.
Wednesday: I had to race home for an online interview with a possible new recruiter (which did not go well at all)
Thursday: I was racing to get my Healthcare application mailed off, wrap presents and do cleaning around house.
Friday: LegoMan, I and our galpal Christy all ate at Carrabba’s for our birthday celebration. The food was amazing and we got a free dessert too.
Saturday: We did have a massage booked but the therapist was sick with the flu so we ran around town and I sent off job applications before we left for a Thai dinner and the Stars vs. Blues hockey game.
Sunday: Finally a normal day! Errands and relaxing perfection for My Birthday.

 Now the Bad-
I cannot go out running until I hear back from the insurance people. Since I turned 26 Sunday I am officially booted off as a dependent on my parents’ health insurance. So the last few weeks I have been dealing with my broker and trying to get my own plan set up with limited success.
Limited meaning- I HAVE BEEN REJECTED FOR 2 PLANS ALREADY.

Not due to pre-existing conditions.
Not due to family history.
Not due to current lab testing.
Due to the fact I am obese.
Even those all my lab work is normal and I have documented evidence that I can run FIVE MILES….I’m just too fat for insurance.

 The application I just mailed off it pretty much my last hope.

 So, right now I don’t have insurance. If I run and get hurt I am beyond screwed so I can’t risk it. We are already dealing with LegoMan’s bummed foot and I need to be whole so we can team up to get his confidence back up and slowly get him back to running in the next few weeks. I can’t afford getting hurt now.

 The stress of this whole Healthcare thing has completely strained my nerves. Stress doesn’t help me lose weight either. I am already getting sucked into the negative mindset in regards to my weight.

 Not being able to run has made me very very conscious of my weight and calorie counting with MFP. However with the last 2 weekends I haven’t been able to track those days at all. I had gained after the 19/20th so I weighed every morning and much to my displeasure I have gone from a -9.8 loss and gained enough to scale me back to a -6 loss.

 I feel that I will never see a -10lb loss. I’ve been working on this lifestyle change since July 2012 and I can’t seem to lose weight.

 I could go to the doctor and get lab work done…..Oh wait…that takes insurance….F**K.

 Such a vicious cycle.

 This morning I was 286.8, granted the last few days I have hovered near this so I am gonna try to not weigh all this week until Sunday and see what happens. I don’t need to become obsessed with the scale again.

 Second, I am going to stick to my MFP of 2170cal and try to stay under that for intake. Reason for this is I figured out my BMR 2118cal / with a daily need of 2543 cal . What I am wondering is if I am actually not eating enough and thus, not losing due to my body going into starvation mode (the stress would also add to this).
Since, LegoMan and I don’t have any major eating out planned I can test out my theory.

 He is so reassuring about this but I can’t help but compare the fact he has dropped nearly 65lbs and I can’t even manage to lose 10lbs in the last 6 months. I feel pathetic and have begun the bad habit of self-guilt.

 I’ve always had this issue and it rears its ugly head every 5 years or so: I will use food to punish myself. I will tell myself “No. You don’t deserve that cookie.” “No, no snack.” “If you can hit that -10lb loss then you can indulge.” Basically turning food into a negative force and restricting myself on purpose. There is a lot of mental scolding on my end. Somehow the Negative Nancy voice turns the tables and links up this unhealthy food mindset with the comments “If he can do it, you can.” “Sexy nighty only comes in the sexy size.” And the royal kicker, “Do you think LegoMan want’s a fat bride?”.

 Where does this come from? What triggers it? Stress.

 Stress with trying to find a new job closer to my home.
Stress of buying health insurance after being rejected.
Stress of managing money better and putting my dreams on hold.
Stress of work drama and that sour puss of a recruiter from the online interview.
Stress of wondering if my man even considers me marriage material or not. Stress of having to be the strong one for everyone else when it’s me who feels like she is failing.

 Stress is not my friend in the least.

 So when stress screws up my weight loss attempts I look for ways to get results. Sometimes surgeries pop up but I can’t afford any of those. Sometimes fad diets or diet pills sneak into my thoughts but we all know those are worthless.

And sadly sometimes ProAna hits me.

Pro-ana refers to the promotion of the eating disorder anorexia nervosa. It is often referred to simply as “ana” and is sometimes personified by anorexics as a girl named ‘Ana’.[1] The lesser-used term pro-mia refers likewise to bulimia nervosa[2] and is sometimes used interchangeably with pro-ana.

Pro-ana organizations differ widely in their stances. Most claim that they exist mainly as a non-judgmental environment for anorexics; a place to turn to, to discuss their illness, and to support those who choose to enter recovery. Others deny anorexia nervosa is a mental illness and claim instead that it is a “lifestyle choice” that should be respected by doctors and family.[1]”- wikipedia

#1- I know its an illness.
#2- I couldn’t starve myself.
#3- I know the dangers of such practices.

 Yet when you are in a negative mindset about your self-image and you read on Tumblr about these girls dropping weight faster than you have  (in the last 6 months) on just restrictive diets…I can’t help wondering if that is the way to go.

 “Nothing else I do works, this might. Maybe instead of me eating too little… maybe I am just eating too much.”

 The problem is you can get sucked into the collective mindset. What starts out as an experiment snowballs and screws up your life to the point where you lose everything.

 Not worth the thought.

 But when you are frustrated the strangest most illogical things enter your mind.

 So this is where I am right now. I know I am in a bad mindset in relation to food and weight. So I won’t be posting on this topic for a while because I need to re-align my thoughts back to normal. I also need to finish dealing with some stressors so I won’t slip back into this darker thinking.

I promise a much happier update soon!
Just got to get my head on straight.

 Much Love,
SillyMindy

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